He found the art table

Remember my post about the Art Table?  We're going to have to stop calling it "Ella's Art Table" and start putting away the glue, the scissors, and basically everything else she finds fun about it these days because her little bro has found the art table.  He makes a beeline for it whenever he can.  So far his favorite thing is the crayons but that's only because we haven't let him at the playdoh yet.

Mulch mountain

Time versus money is a conversation we have a lot lately. Some things that we used to do ourselves (clean the house, mow the lawn, weed the garden) seem better left to the professionals these days. In that spirit, I asked our gardener for a quote to spread mulch over all of our gardens. Now before you think we are really big wimps - I mean, who can't spread out a few bags of mulch? - you need to know that we have really really big gardens. We bought our house from a couple who had invested a great deal of time, money, and true love of plants in our yard. Did I mention that their children were grown and long gone from the nest? Enter us, moving in with a three-month old and proceeding to spend the next three years finishing a PhD, building a business career, and having another baby. Guess how much time was left for gardening? After a few years of getting by with some minor weeding, we realized that our beautiful yard was getting away from us and that we needed to get some help in taming the wild. I should say that my own mother is the most expert of garden experts and routinely spends the children's nap times saving plants from certain death due to our ignore-it-all gardening strategy, planting vegetable patches, and generally just making things look and grow so much nicer. But our garden would be a full-time job for her, and she already has her own lovely gardens to work in. Enter F, our gardener, who has indeed helped us immensely in getting the gardens back under control and back to being a place we like to be.

So I asked F for a quote to mulch all of the gardens which needed to be done desperately and he gave us a bid that while reasonable, was just a lot of money, understandably since he estimated that he and his crew had to spread mulch on 2000 square feet of gardens.

I thought this mighty sum was mighty worth it for us to spend the weekends with the kids rather than taking our tiny pick-up truck to the mulch store ten times and unloading it.  But Josh decided it was a mighty sum he'd rather put in the bank and, gosh, wouldn't it be nice to work outside in the yard in this lovely spring weather?  I agreed that we'd try to do the project ourselves this year and if it was a total disaster, we'd hire it out next year.  And thus, two Sundays in March got marked off as Family Garden Days.  My parents agreed to help us (and by help, it turns out, they meant supply most of the knowledge, do most of the work, and be much more cheerful about this enormous task than I could ever be).

Did I mention that the mountain of mulch was HUGE?

Playing in the giant mulch pile before we got down to business.

What IS this stuff and why am I sitting in it?

The biggest obstacle to the entire task, I felt, was what to do with the kids while we worked. Thankfully with my parents to help in the garden, one of us could be with the kids and the other could be in the yard.  Ella, however, wanted no part of being stuck inside and instead was awfully enthusiastic about helping.  She put on her rain boots, got her little rake, and loaded up mulch in her little bucket which she then loaded into the wheelbarrow.  She also helped my dad get an even better workout by insisting that she ride back from each load in his wheelbarrow.  Fortunately, he thought this was as much fun as she did.

Biggie's shadow

Truly a stellar grandpa

Dash, doing his thing on the porch while we worked.

After the first scheduled day of Family Garden Fun, I'd say we got 80% of the work done.  The mountain in the driveway is now just a small hill and most of the garden spaces at least have small piles of mulch in them, ready to be spread.  So we're not done with the project yet but I will concede that it was less miserable and more fun than I had predicted.  So money well-saved, Josh.  At least til next spring.



Til Saturday

Ella is a mostly really well-behaved child.  We had a period around her third birthday where she acted out a little bit so we used a version of time-out called the 'whining wall' where she would be sent to sit against a specific wall in the living room when she needed to pull herself together.  After a few months, though, we found we weren't using the whining wall much because she just in a good place with very little behavior we needed to correct.

Recently, she has gotten a little bit more stubborn and a little bit more cheeky so we've had to come up with some new measures of discipline.  We've used the threat of 'consequences' to great success (as in, "I will give you one more chance to stop interrupting mommy while she is talking or there will be consequences").   The best part is that we haven't had to actually determine what those consequences might be.  This is good because we can't figure out what would actually be a good consequence.  What can you take away from three-year old that has any meaning?  We rarely eat dessert, she watches very little TV and we hate the idea of taking away something like books which is really her greatest love.  So 'consequences' are working great until she gets smart enough to want to know what those consequences are and then we are in trouble.

Our other new tactic is threatening to take a special toy away 'until Saturday'.  One of my playgroup mama friends mentioned this idea to me awhile back and in a fit of frustration, I used it recently to major success.  I like it because it doesn't involve a really horrible threat (to a kid) like giving away or throwing away a favorite toy, but it does indicate that toys are a privilege for children with good behavior.  And apparently Saturday is a LONG way away in Ella's head because she gets very upset at the idea of something going away until Saturday and usually shapes up quickly when we throw down the 'til Saturday' threat.

This past Friday evening, Ella had a tantrum about a minor issue (isn't it always a minor issue?) and as she got more and more hysterical, I got more and more frustrated with her.  I could hear our argument dragging on and I knew I had to do something to cut it off.  So I told her that if she didn't calm down, I was going to put away her little pegs (a much beloved toy) until Saturday.  For a moment, the hysteria increased as she expressed her extreme displeasure about losing her pegs for such a terribly long time, but, to her credit, she pulled herself together in short order and the tantrum was over.

The funniest part?  We learned that despite Ella very clearly knowing the days of the week, the 'til Saturday' threat is still extremely effective when laid down on Friday night.

This morning I was taking a shower and Ella was going to the bathroom.  She sometimes seems to think that the toilet is just a place to sit and chat, and since I was gone over the weekend, she took an extra long time this morning sitting on the potty and talking with me.  Out of the blue, we had this conversation:

Ella:  But where do babies come out of, Mommy?

Me:  Well.... <mumble, think think think, mumble mumble> .... <finally> They come out between the Mommy's legs.

Ella: Well, that means they come out of a mommy's heiny or butt.

Me: Um, yes, well, yes <mumble mumble mumble>, yes, they come out of the mommy's heiny  [Side note: Please forgive me, Josh.  You are correct that this is the wrong terminology to use, at least according to the Urban Dictionary]

Ella, looking down:  I don't think I'm big enough for a baby to come out of there.

Me:  That's true.  You are just a little girl now but maybe someday when you are grown up you will have a baby of your own.

Ella:  Well, MAYBE I'll have a baby.  But who will be the daddy?

Me:  I hope that you'll meet a man that you love and he can be the daddy.

Ella:  But, Mommy!  I love you!  So maybe my baby can have two mommies.  It's good to have two mommies or two daddies.

Me: That's right, because what makes a family, Ella?

Ella: Love.

And there you have it.  A totally uncomfortable birds and bees talk followed by the sweetness of my three-year-old's complete understanding that love is what matters in a family.  I find it so upsetting that certain closed-minded politicians in the state where we live cannot comprehend a simple truth that my preschooler does.  This afternoon we are going to go pick up our yard sign indicating that we are 'Another Family Against the Amendment' in North Carolina.  That should yield some awesome Ella conversations on the way home.

Walking to school

We live about a mile from Ella's preschool.  The walk is lovely, all residential, no busy roads.  There are some serious hills but I grew up at the foot of the Smoky Mountains and tend not to be too put-off by a hill (or three).  Ella LOVES to walk to school.  Unfortunately, my work schedule is such that I only have one day a week to walk her to school.  That day is Thursday and now that the winter is over, I think we'll probably walk each Thursday. 

Today we walked to school with our neighbor E whose son M is in Ella's class and who also has a baby girl, just a few months younger than Dash.  E showed up on my porch to walk to school this morning and I had to laugh at out loud at how much we looked like twins.  Black capri running pants?  Check.  Gray t-shirts?  Check.  One baby strapped on the back?  Check.  One preschooler in a stroller?  Check.  Stroller a bright orange BOB?  Check.  It was either really funny (all those coincidences!) or really depressing (I apparently have nothing unique about me anymore now that I am a mom). 

On the first half of the walk, E and I had a lovely chat about parenting and our careers (she is a professor at Duke) and the craziness of trying to balance both of those worlds.  As we got closer and closer to school, our little gang picked up more and more families.  I think everyone within walking distance of the school did in fact walk today.  Did I mention that the weather was glorious today? Warm but not hot, birds were chirping, all under a beautiful blue sky.  At one point, Ella and her buddy M got out of their strollers and skipped down the sidewalk holding hands.  It was a wonderful feeling to walk down the street surrounded by moms, dads, preschoolers, little siblings, even a dog or two.  This was a small moment but one that really spoke to me.  It was a moment where my brain slowed down from its endless list-making and looking ahead to the next task.  It was a moment to feel happy, calm, and grateful for my life.       

Family Vacation

After Ella was born, we did a lot of traveling with her.  We went to weddings, to the beach with friends and family, and even on a 1800+ mile roadtrip through the midwest to visit family.  What we didn't do much, though, was take trips solely for relaxation and new adventure.  That means not combined with business, not to visit friends or family but just somewhere to relax and have fun with our little family.  We remedied that situation in January 2010 when we took Ella to Key West for a long weekend.  We found a lovely resort with beautiful pools and a private beach that was nice enough to feel like a well-deserved vacation for Josh and me, but was kid-friendly enough that we didn't feel bad bringing an 18-month old along.  Without a car, we just walked everywhere on the island, enjoyed that every restaurant has outside dining, and reveled in watching Ella talk to the roaming roosters and cats in Key West.  This was a trip that stayed with us for a long time after we got home.   In the busy days of that year, the lovely memories of traveling with our new family, enjoying the pace of a child in a new location, and of course the perfect weather, were something we both drew on to remind us that sometimes there is more than diaper changes and dishwasher emptying.

Key West, 2010

Let's fast forward a year and a half, and now we have two children.  We keep talking about how we want to go back to Key West.  We talk about this for months.  We look into flights and balk at having to pay for a seat for Ella.  We think about all four of us sharing a hotel room and we balk.  We think about all of the gear we'll have to schlep along (car seats, pack and play, stroller, and so on) and we don't just balk, we completely abandon and say we'll plan to go with the kids are older and need less stuff.

But then a month or so later, Josh decides he hasn't lost the dream, figures out a way to get us into two connected oceanfront rooms without breaking the bank, finds a shuttle service with carseats that will take us from the airport to our hotel (the only time we actually need the blasted seats), and determines that the hotel has cribs.  Suddenly the sleeping situation and the gear-lugging problem have been resolved.  The trip is on!

The fall and winter fly by and we stumble out of the Thanksgiving-Dash birthday-Hanukkah-Christmas-Sarah Birthday-New Year craziness to discover that we're leaving on vacation in just a few weeks.  I briefly panic about all of the packing and then remember that I detest the airline checked baggage fees and therefore will be packing ONE, yes that's right ONE, suitcase for the four of us.  If it doesn't fit, we'll buy it there or live without it.

Early, oh very early, on a Wednesday morning, we pack up the car and our sleepy kids and head off to the airport.  We've gone totally practical - instead of a cute tote for me or one of his nice business travel bags, Josh and I are both sporting overstuffed backpacks dug out of the closet from our grad school days, stashed with snacks, coloring books, and diapers.

The highlight of the flights was landing in Key West.  The lowlights were much of the time between take-off in Raleigh and said landing.  Notable low moments included Dash deciding to be the baby who doesn't nap on planes and the giant barf from Ella during the Raleigh to Atlanta portion of the trip.  We're not sure what happened - excitement, too much water, motion sickness - but it was a giant mess, and worst of all, in all of my packing parsimony, I had elected not to bring a change of clothes for Ella on the plane.  As Ella rightfully said "Mommy, throwing up doesn't smell very good."  While Josh walked Dash around the Atlanta airport to get him to take a catnap in the Ergo, Ella and I went in search of replacement clothing which came in the form of a giant pink Atlanta t-shirt.

So we arrived in Key West looking a little less polished and smelling a little more rank than I would have hoped.  And the rooms at the resort weren't ready yet so we spent the first hour by the pool with Ella wearing nothing but her giant Atlanta t-shirt.

Poolside in pink

Fortunately, everything looked up from there.  Our rooms were lovely with a view of the ocean and balconies where Josh and I could relax after the kids went to sleep.  Even better, in the early morning when the children woke up, we could watch the sunrise and then watch the diggers drag around the sand to make everything picture perfect for another day in paradise.

  Early morning art while the sun rises

Diggers on the beach!  Such excitement for the kids

One thing that we have learned about traveling with our kids is that everyone will be happier if we stick to their schedule.  So rather than give in to the temptation to stay up later for a nice dinner or to skip a nap for more beach time, we dutifully put Ella and Dash down for naps and bedtime at their normal times, ate meals at their normal (read: early) times, and generally let their needs guide our activities.  Of course since Dash naps from 9:30-11 and 1:30-3:00 and then goes to bed at 6 pm, we had short increments of time to work with.  Unlike our previous trip where we explored the entire length of Duval Street, this time we barely made it a third of the way down on any given outing.

One of our favorite places to go is Blue Heaven, a funky restaurant with a huge outdoor courtyard (I don't even know if they have inside seating) with roaming roosters and cats.  I suppose some people might find this mixing of food, fowl, and feline offensive, but I choose instead to focus on how much these animals entertain my children.  We have never seen Dash so happily occupied at a restaurant.  The happier he was, the longer I got to linger over my lobster benedict and that is a good thing.

Dash: Ey-yah!  Cack!  Cack! 

Translation:  Look, Ella, there are roosters!  Roosters!

We spent a lot of time at the pool and on the beach and on the lawn just exploring.  I know we spend time just being present with the children at home but there is always the lingering need to run a load of laundry or check work email.  On this trip, we just got to enjoy long stretches of playtime which made the all of the challenges of traveling with the kids feel really worth it.

Water baby

Playing in the sand on the beach.

In the yard with Daddy

At home, our kids don't share a room so it was entertaining to see how they handled being in the same space during naptime and bedtime.  We don't even really notice it but in his own room back home, Dashiell often wakes up about 6 a.m. and just talks and plays in his crib for a good hour.  Unfortunately for Ella, he did this on vacation, too, and it woke up her up every day.  One of the things she told everyone when we got back was that "Dashy woke me up when we slept in the same room."

 

 

So was it relaxing?  Only a little.  Was it fun?  Very much.  Would we do it again?  Absolutely.

Growing Foods

There is a popular book in the mommy circles about feeding your child called "Feeding with Love and Good Sense" by Ellen Satter.  The premise is basically that it is the job of the parent to provide healthy meals with plenty of options and it is up to the child to eat whatever they want from what is offered.  There is no bribery in "Good Sense", no 'no thank bite', no 'eat your veggies so you can have dessert'.   In theory, I love this book and in practice, I have used a lot of the advice with good results in feeding my kids.  I try really hard not to get upset with the rejection of everything green or to worry too much about things like scurvy.  But sometimes I catch myself pulling an act that is definitely not Feeding-with-love-and-good-sense approved.  Example A would be the recent donut bribe chart that Ella and I created.

It all started over breakfast one morning when Ella told me that she wanted to go out for donuts.  Without even thinking much about it (or about how Ellen Satter would shake her head in disappointment at me), I told Ella that if she ate ten fruit and vegetable "growing foods" in the next five days, we would go out for donuts.

Ella was thrilled with this proposition and even more thrilled to make a chart to document each growing food that she ate.  Over the course of the next few days, she sometimes drew (or more often asked one of us to draw) each of her growing foods, and by the end of the week she had filled in the last box.  You can imagine that donuts were procured very quickly after that.

Was this a successful operation?  I have no idea.  Maybe she ate a few more vegetables than she would have without the bribe but maybe not.  Maybe now she has been ruined into believing that eating vegetables is the chore she must endure to get the reward of a massive sugar hit.  Maybe (probably) I'm overthinking the whole thing and should just shut up and eat my donut.  And, yes, I ate my growing foods, too.